Balancing the Yearning for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, mostly pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin seeing any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many gay men have open relationships, yet from my observations, they appear like hard work, often causing significant heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I want another man to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I fear the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you might become more decisive and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. One day you might meet someone who provides a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting your desires completely … and later on you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the value of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American psychotherapist focusing on treating intimacy issues.